Start with Me

For a child, going first can be appealing, for example at a canteen or buffet table, choosing a story, or starting a game. When it comes to taking a shower, it might not feel like such a good thing! With a bit more maturity, we learn to politely hold back even if secretly weighing up whether any of our favourite pizza will be left. On the other hand, we recognise that going first can also help to get daunting things out of the way, for example when anticipating an interview or assessment, or waiting for a hospital procedure.

One context in which both young and old seem to find it difficult to go first, is when there's a need to say sorry and make amends. For starters, this requires the humility to accept our part of the responsibility for what has happened. To then go first in admitting this to the other party is especially hard, because it risks being hurt when at our most vulnerable.

I've experienced a few scenarios when someone who has also wronged me accepts my apology but appears to see no need to return one. It's worse still if they take what I offer as an opportunity to reiterate their argument against me. Such moments can be very painful. Having made myself vulnerable, rather than beginning to heal, on occasions my own wound has been deepened. In the context of an ongoing relationship, it becomes more difficult to be open and unguarded when hurts go unacknowledged, perhaps especially if the other person seems just fine.

Forgiveness is costly, partly because at its core it is essentially one-way. If all parties can forgive, and if all who have wronged another express genuine regret and commit to change, renewal of relationship may be possible. Forgiveness, though, can take place without leading to reconciliation, and even without being communicated to those concerned. It is primarily a process within the self, and before God who sees the heart and enables us to do it. Far from suggesting that what happened doesn't matter, forgiveness affirms that it does, that what has hurt us is not ok. It's not the same as allowing someone to keep behaving in destructive ways. However, even and perhaps especially when reconciliation is not possible (or even unsafe, for example due to abuse), forgiveness frees the one who has been wronged from carrying a burden that fosters bitterness.

For those of us who intentionally pray, and for anyone who is willing to begin bringing their struggles, needs and desires before God, I believe that the need to forgive (as well as to be forgiven) is also an opportunity to learn and grow. When we sense injustice, we may cry out to God to intervene. I find this often includes praying for heart-change in those involved. How, though, can I pray for this, unless I too am open to the transforming work of the Holy Spirit in my life? My perception of any situation close to my heart may well be clouded by my own sense of rightness, baggage from unresolved hurts, impatience, and sometimes plain selfishness.

To go first, and take a humble approach to another imperfect, and possibly hurting human being is pretty risky. I simply don't have what it takes. However, as I cry out to God, so often I hear the still, small voice calling me to yield again to the One who made us, knows us, came to us, and gave everything for our forgiveness and restoration. I find myself reminded of the continual invitation to be a wholehearted disciple of Jesus, learning his ways and finding life in all its fullness. This usually doesn't result in a quick fix for the things I'm praying about, but it does reshape my response to them. Oh LORD, please have your way; please bring heart-change where it is needed—and start with me.⬦

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