Healthy Processing

During the pandemic, I have benefitted from a lot of personal processing.  Having already started therapy before the first lockdown, perhaps I had a head start!  It won't look the same for us all, but I'm sure that many—even apparently healthy—will still need to work through the effects of struggle, reaction, and loss.  For me, being able to put these blog posts 'out there' results from learning about some significant thoughts and feelings, what influences them, and what place they should really have in my life.

 

As a child, I'd heard affectionate jokes that I had "all the brains but no common sense," and badly didn't want to be clever but useless.  When I was 21, a nursing tutor said—not kindly—"you're a complex person, aren't you," and this somehow sunk like a stone inside me.  A few years ago, after preaching a sermon that had burned in my heart, I heard that a visitor had said they didn't understand any of it.  Even more recently, a fellow theology student made remarked about a 'fancy' word I used in class.  None of those weed-seeds were big in themselves, but each contributed to decades of wrestling.  Since the age of 18, I've been compelled to communicate things to others, but as I grew older I became more and more concerned that I might be incomprehensible.  Last year, as I struggled with depressive illness, this conflict between passion and insecurity was almost overwhelming.

I'm no psychologist, but I suspect that many others will be similar in this: over the years my mind has quickly absorbed negative comments, but real, non-flattering affirmation seems slower to stick.  Perhaps this is why some tend to resist constructive feedback.  How we need to be careful of our words—especially in positions of responsibility and influence.

Both counselling and CBT have helped with handling the thoughts and feelings that might spiral into terrible discouragement.  This is not about pumped-up positive thinking, but learning to evaluate what goes on in my mind.  For example, having read about my personality type, I see that to be 'complex' needn't be a negative thing.  Also, another profiling tool highlighted my understanding of 'how things work.'  Seeing that was quite a moment.

 

In the last few weeks, others have said things that would previously have aroused all sorts of struggles.  However, I've been able to smile to myself, both because their assumptions were mistaken, and because I'm in a place of much greater freedom.  I'd hate to become dismissive of others' perceptions, but I'm learning that opinions needn't define me.

The mind can be powerful, but although various tools may help, the underlying security that we so need is not found within ourselves, or in programmes or mantras.  That would leave it all reliant on our own ability and determination.  Thankfully, whilst we're created with genuine agency, we are not supposed to write the story; each can play a part, but our source and home is found in the one who made us. That beautiful truth was where I landed when at my most helpless.

Healthy processing doesn't mean blocking out the past, denying reality, or refusing uncomfortable examination.  True humility though, is about realistic self-perception.  I'm convinced that this is a huge part of how God wants to shape us: to be able to recognise and acknowledge both strengths and limitations, and not over-emphasise either.  In and of ourselves, it seems we are inclined to tip one way or the other.  However, as I see more and more the depth of God's love for me and delight in every detail of my life, I can relax into our Creator's great wisdom.

I am becoming better able to reflect upon others' perceptions, and learn from their different emphases.  Injuries may happen, but wounds need not fester.  I am safe to be continually open to the challenges that God—who loves and accepts me—allows to come my way, and can use to form my character.  This girl has a good brain, a sincere heart, and a compelling sense of call to facilitate others' understanding and journey of faith.  Not everyone will connect with what I impart, but I pray that for some, it may even be life-giving.⬦

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