Without an ending

It is nearly 18 months since that lovely GP helped me to acknowledge my depressive illness and begin a journey of recovery. I have learnt so much about myself, and when others share their struggles, I now have much greater compassion and empathy. I guess it's an example of 'God working for good,' even and perhaps especially in and through difficult situations.

My most recent real 'depressive' episode was back in October, when something didn't happen as I expected. Disappointment was a reasonable response, but this quickly spiralled into a reaction that was out of proportion. The all-too-familiar sinky feelings became almost physical and I flopped around, inclined to hide. Negative thoughts piled up: "Things are rubbish," "I might as well give up," "I don't want tomorrow..." Thankfully though, I saw it for what it was and took action. I told loved ones of my struggle, took a rest and then got outdoors for a brisk walk. Perspective regained.

Even during that wobble, I was frustrated at my feelings, and the desires and 'needs' that they revealed. However, being able to see the discrepancy between reaction and reality was a sign of progress. Since then, I've had more disappointments (haven't we all!) but without being engulfed. Sometimes feelings creep in—particularly when I'm tired or have raging hormones—and feed into thoughts that threaten my peace. I've been learning to recognise these, identify their proper place, and correct them or simply let them go.

Three weeks ago, with GP agreement, I began the first step of very slowly reducing my antidepressant medication, with a view to eventually stopping it. Withdrawal from these meds can mimic the symptoms that they treat, which could be pretty disconcerting! This particular drug has a fairly long half life (time taken to be broken down to half the quantity in the body), so I didn't notice anything at first. About 9-10 days in though, I felt pretty weird. It also corresponded with the aforementioned raging hormones, and slight apprehension over a small part in our in-person church gathering. I rode that little storm with prayer, and emerged encouraged. There's nothing to prove—I could stay on the tablets, and I'll have the option of restarting them if needed—but medication is just one of the treatments I've benefitted from. Now with much reduced pressure in life, the decision to begin withdrawing is something that I've carefully considered before God (and talking to the doc was part of that).

I'd love to say I'm done with depressive illness, but mental health can't be so neatly boxed. Actually, it's a continuum along which we all move.  I suspect that many who haven't definitively experienced mental ill-health, could benefit from the greater wholeness that comes with increased self-awareness. I know that by November 2019 I was in a huge struggle, but I can't really identify when it began. It seems reasonable, then, to also see recovery as without an ending. Should I ever quit looking after my mental health? I wasn't created to be invincible, and this whole experience has been a valuable lesson in dependence upon God.

 

As I look back over the past 20 months or so, there is much to be thankful for. It is encouraging to consider what I have achieved in this time, whilst battling depression and experiencing a global pandemic! In case that seems arrogant, true humility is realistic self-perception, not worm mentality. Besides, I'm under no illusion of independence; life as it is now is made possible through a very untraditional sharing of workload in this household. That's something for another post.

I'm well aware that gradually removing the anti-depressant medication exposes me to the full force of my own feelings and reactions. I've felt tired and somewhat grumpy after a night shift, and there's no room for complacency. I wouldn't want to go back there, but in my darkest valley God was closer than a breath, affirming the very essence of who I am. It's not about what I can do, articulate, or even feel; it's about who and Whose I am. When the road ahead passes through shadows, I'll still be me and I'll still be God's.⬦

 

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