Taste and See #2: Surrounded

Recovering from depression isn't like a straight line sloping upward, in which at some point you simply leave the fog behind. I am discovering, to my irritation, that it is much more higgledy-piggledy.

I'm reminded of the need to prioritise those things that support my own wellbeing, especially in times of isolation. Last week I felt pressured and became stressed. After a few days, I found myself unusually tired. Despite a restful weekend, on Monday morning the old, sinky feelings threatened to engulf me. I didn't see it coming. 

Whilst trying to catch up with my daily readings, I copied out some words about when God led His people out of Egypt. "Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people" (Exodus 13:22). The Israelites moved according to God's leading through Moses, but also with that awesome sign of God's very presence with them in the cloud and fire. Consequently, they were marching out boldly...but then they looked up, saw the Egyptian army approaching, and were terrified. They ranted at poor Moses as though he were a murderer! How quickly, I thought, our feelings change when we face struggle...

Although half term had brought a break from the dreaded Home Learning, more time at home (with slightly grouchy boys, not to mention their mother) wasn't terribly appealing. Around 9 am I'd just taken migraine meds when a friend sent me a link to an encouraging song, because I'd 'popped into her head.' She highlighted the phrase, "It may look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You." I thought it was kind but didn't tap the link, and was more concerned to check on her. I still hadn't fully seen the particular battle that I was in.

In the afternoon, a planned zoom time with a close friend helped me to recognise that I was feeling low. Not anywhere near the depths that I reached those months ago, but worth acknowledging as a wobble. To just be able to talk about it, without questions or inferred explanations, was so helpful.

By bedtime, I was feeling a little better, though somewhat sad to be facing the struggles that I'd rather never revisit. As I lay there in the darkness, I felt the beautiful, enveloping presence of God. I remembered more words that I'd doodled—allocated to an earlier date but perfectly timed for me—"DO NOT BE AFRAID. Stand firm... The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" (Exodus 14:13-14). That song line played on repeat in my mind: "It may look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You," and soft tears of gratitude dripped into my ears.⬦

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